Beyond The Class: From Knowledge To Action
Sustaining growth, deepening connections, and driving development.
This audiocast is designed for those ready to take action. It builds on the skills you learned in Chapman Foundation classes and inspires you to apply them. Each episode provides tools for listening, building trust, and intentional leadership. You'll hear alumni success stories and gain insights from CFCC facilitators. Every episode offers clear actions, direct challenges, and actionable takeaways to drive progress, with lessons that build upon one another. Prepare for lasting growth, impact, and results.
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Beyond The Class: From Knowledge To Action
002-Six Steps to Free Yourself from Frustration
"Direct your energy toward what’s within your control. This opens space for gratitude, joy, and connection." -Katie Trotter, Chief Program Officer at the Chapman Foundation for Caring Communities
We've all been there—pretending we're okay with someone's behavior while secretly stewing inside. That moment when you tell yourself, "It’s fine, I don’t care," even though frustration and resentment are bubbling under the surface. This pattern of false acceptance can quietly erode your wellbeing and relationships, keeping you stuck in cycles of irritation.
In this enlightening episode, Katie Trotter, Chief Program Officer at the Chapman Foundation for Caring Communities, shares her powerful six-step framework for breaking free from false acceptance and fostering true, meaningful acceptance. Through personal stories and actionable strategies, Katie reveals how to recognize when we’re merely tolerating behaviors, identify the deeper roots of our irritation, and approach others with curiosity instead of judgment.
True acceptance isn’t about agreeing with someone’s behavior or ignoring your feelings. It’s about reclaiming your peace by choosing thoughtful, healthier responses. These simple yet powerful steps can help you separate the person from their actions, strengthen connections, and create space for genuine understanding without sacrificing your mental wellbeing.
Tune in to discover how this approach can help you move from frustration to inner calm. Freedom and clarity might be closer than you think!
Key Points Discussed in the Episode
- Recognize the signs of false acceptance, like physical tension or internal irritation.
- Identify the root of frustration by questioning values, past experiences, and if behaviors are harmful or just annoying.
- Shift from judgment to curiosity by exploring what might motivate others' actions.
- Reframe expectations by accepting that your standards aren’t universal.
- Set clear and consistent boundaries using “I” statements without assigning blame.
- Direct energy toward what you can control and choose peace over frustration.
- To maintain a connection without condoning behaviors, learn to separate a person’s actions from who they are.
Six Steps to Free Yourself from Frustration:
- Step 1: Identify the Root of Irritation
- Step 2: Practice Curiosity Instead of Judgment
- Step 3: Decide What’s Worth Addressing
- Step 4: Reframe Your Expectations
- Step 5: Set Healthy Boundaries
- Step 6: Choose Peace and Redirect Energy
THE BLOG: https://www.chapmancommunities.org/from-tolerance-to-true-acceptance/
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Acceptance isn't about agreeing with someone's behavior. It's simply about deciding how you respond to it.
Adam Salgat:Welcome to Beyond the Class From Knowledge to Action, the audio cast that helps Chapman Foundation alumni continue the journey of applying the skills they've built and turning them into practical, intentional actions for everyday life. I'm Adam Salgett, your host, and today we're talking about a challenge many of us face at work, at home and in life in general. If you've ever told yourself, it's fine, I don't care, while secretly stewing over someone else's actions, this episode is for you. Our topic today is about moving beyond frustration and tolerance and into a place of true acceptance, one where we can find greater inner peace and improve our relationships. To help us work through this, I'm joined by Katie Trotter, the Chief Program Officer at the Chapman Foundation for Caring Communities. Katie recently wrote a fantastic blog titled From Tolerance to True Acceptance, where she offers six actionable steps to transform how we respond to irritating behaviors. Katie, thanks for joining us.
Katie Trotter:Thanks, adam, and hello to everyone who's listening. I'm really excited to be able to be here to talk through these steps together.
Adam Salgat:Before we get into those six steps, I'd like to start with a concept you mentioned in the blog false acceptance. What is false acceptance and why is it so important for us to recognize it?
Katie Trotter:False acceptance is when we tell ourselves that we're okay with something, but really we're just in a space of tolerating it or putting up with it. And when we do this, it can keep us stuck in these cycles of frustration or resentment and sometimes we might not even realize it. On the opposite end, when we talk about true acceptance, that's about choosing how we respond based on what's within our control. It's, moving from one to the other can take some effort, but it's definitely worth it.
Adam Salgat:And that's what you're going to help us with today. So I'm excited for that and for those listening. How might they know that they've fallen into this false acceptance trap?
Katie Trotter:There can be a few different ways to tell that you're actually sitting in that false acceptance space. We might find ourselves going out of our way to avoid someone or avoid interacting with them. If the challenge is with someone you supervise, you might find that you're withholding growth opportunities. But sometimes there's an actual physical reaction that you can pay attention to. If, every time the behavior occurs, your stomach is in knots or you're fighting back these really snippy comments in your head, chances are that you're in false acceptance.
Adam Salgat:I can guarantee that the majority of everyone here listening today has had those exact moments, because I know in personal relationships and work relationships, I've definitely had a few of those opportunities where snippy comments or things like that are in my head and I know I'm fighting them. So, katie, thank you for clarifying that and once someone realizes they're stuck in that pattern, the first step that you mentioned in the blog towards true acceptance is to identify the root of the irritation. Can you tell me more about that process?
Katie Trotter:Absolutely. And this step, Adam, is all about pausing in that moment to reflect on why that specific behavior is really bothering you, and for some instances it might be something that you can easily identify, but if not, there are a few questions that you can ask yourself. To try to narrow it down, I'm just going to give you three examples of things that we could walk through. First, think through is the behavior truly harmful or is it just personally annoying? Sometimes there are things that really bother me, but it's really more a preference as opposed to the person doing something wrong.
Adam Salgat:A quick example I had a teacher who consistently used the word cumbersome. And she used this so often, like multiple times in each class, that at one point I was like, okay, this is cumbersome to listen to her talk. But I knew I had to just get over that because, honestly, that's not a big thing to ask her to do anything about.
Katie Trotter:That's a perfect example. There are just some things that we prefer to be done a certain way and that can be an issue that's really bugging us. Second question you could ask is to think about what values, preferences or expectations are being triggered in me. So there might be a behavior that someone's doing that butts up against a value that I have or the way that I would expect a person to show up in a meeting, for example. The third question you could ask is are there deeper issues like past experiences that might be amplifying my reaction, experiences that might be amplifying my reaction? So maybe I had someone I really struggled with in the past and then when I interact with a team member who might have a similar behavior, I'm all of a sudden thinking about it in a much larger scale.
Adam Salgat:The first thing you mentioned in there was the power of pause. That can be difficult, though, can it not when you're in the heat of the moment.
Katie Trotter:I know it certainly is for me. It's challenging in those moments where we're filled with emotion, because reacting can feel so much more natural than pausing. So it takes a tremendous amount of emotional awareness, but it is such a powerful tool when we can do it. That pause can give us a moment to notice that we're reacting better understand what's causing it, and then we can make an intentional choice about how we want to respond.
Adam Salgat:Katie. Then what happens when we realize, potentially, when we take that pause, that the frustration may actually have more to do with ourselves than the other person?
Katie Trotter:Well, that is such a humbling moment, isn't it Adam? Yeah, I think so. I think the positive side of that moment is that it gives us an opportunity to focus on things that we do have control over. It allows us to shift from being frustrated about something that someone else is doing and really talk about. All right, what can I do in this space?
Adam Salgat:I'm sure we could do an entire episode about this, but you mentioned in there the idea of being triggered by personal values. Why is it important for someone to be able to identify their values?
Katie Trotter:Yeah, adam, I think it's really helpful for us to better understand what are those behaviors or situations that really cause us to have a lot of emotion or a lot of judgment. In fact, in our Our Community Serves class, we walk through an exercise called emotional catalysts and we really think through. How do we identify in advance what are those behaviors that we are most likely to be bugged by, so that we can make a mindful response in advance?
Adam Salgat:I love that, and it's a great way to really start thinking about, like, what it is that you personally have been through and what causes you to react a certain way. Okay, so, once we start reflecting on what's really behind our irritation, your second step is about getting curious instead of frustrated. Why is curiosity such an effective tool?
Katie Trotter:to be curious about the behavior of others. For the rest of us, it's an intentional choice to practice curiosity, and both spaces are fine. It just means for some of us it's going to take a little bit more effort, and so we want to look at making a shift instead of maybe our initial reaction of labeling someone or assuming intent which we do all the time right, we might label someone as being bad or demotivated or wrong, or we're assuming intent they obviously sent that message just to make us mad or because they're vying for that promotion and instead we make a shift into asking ourselves curious questions what might be motivating their behavior? Is there maybe something that that person's experiencing that you don't see? Is there maybe a need that they have that's not being met? So it's really just about that intentional shift from reacting with that judgment and instead opening our mind to say I want to better understand what's happening here.
Adam Salgat:I want to bring up a very traditional phrase out there that I'm sure you've heard or many people have, and it's curiosity killed the cat. Many people don't know that there is a second line to that phrase that originated in the early 1900s and it goes curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back, which suggests that while curiosity can lead to trouble, the satisfaction of finding knowledge or understanding can make the risk worthwhile. The satisfaction of finding knowledge or understanding can make the risk worthwhile. So the idea here if we ask ourselves and we look at it from their perspective, we have opportunity to make it worthwhile and we can talk more about how that makes an impact on us moving forward.
Katie Trotter:I love that. I'd never heard that second part of the quote before.
Adam Salgat:It's often forgotten about and it was something I went and looked up and I'm like that is a very interesting way to remind ourselves that there's not just this negative connotation around curiosity. It can also bring us back, it can also provide what we need and keep us moving forward. So, with that in mind and keeping curiosity at forefront, here you have an example where this mindset change made a difference for you personally.
Katie Trotter:Yeah and Adam.
Katie Trotter:The first one that comes to mind is really early on in my career, so prior to having our community listens, where I could understand why people behave differently or focus on task first or people first.
Katie Trotter:I had none of that knowledge and I remember being in a team environment where every time we would start a team meeting I had a coworker who would jump right in with all of this small talk and all of these connecting moments and seeing how people were doing, and I had so much judgment around the fact that they were not being productive, they were wasting my time, right, they didn't care about their work. And I remember talking to my supervisor at one point and being encouraged to wonder right, they kind of introduced that concept to me of curiosity wonder why it is that they might be having that behavior, what need might be being met, and so for me it was really helpful to start thinking about that lens as we went into team meetings. So it wasn't like it naturally made all of my initial annoyance move away, but it did help me to better understand that it served a purpose and it was actually something that was very beneficial for other team members on meeting as well.
Adam Salgat:What a wonderful story and a great perspective, Katie. So you stepped into that space of curiosity. So I love that example of how it kind of changed the way meetings continued forward. I'd love to look at your next step now and the importance of deciding what to do next. So how do we move forward?
Katie Trotter:Step three is really about deciding what's worth addressing. So you might spend some time thinking about it and realize, hey, this behavior is harmful it's harmful to me or it's harmful to other people and then it's worth considering hey, I really might need to have a conversation with this person.
Adam Salgat:I noticed you said conversation, not confrontation.
Katie Trotter:That's right, Great catch. Remember that from the classes that we teach. Confrontation is simply a conversation starter. We can bring something to a person that really breaks down our feelings about what's happening, the specific behavior that they're exhibiting and the impact that it's having. And, Adam, I believe that you have already done some audio casts on that topic in the past. Is that correct?
Adam Salgat:Yes, we have. We absolutely have. We've done numerous over the last four or five years, but our most recent one, episode 103, Dissecting Top Secret FBI Statements great opportunity to go back and we really do a great breakdown of constructing them. Also, how do you deliver them? So not just how do you write one out, but then the next step of delivery. Okay, so in step three we're looking at deciding whether or not this behavior is worthy of conversation and, as we continue on past that decision, what are we looking at now?
Katie Trotter:Yeah. So once we've looked at it and we've tried to decide whether we need to address it or not, let's assume for this situation that we're not needing to address it, okay, okay. So step four would really involve. All right, if I know that this isn't a conversation that I need to have with the other person, then I would move to step four, which involves reframing our expectations. So if someone's behavior isn't likely to change right, we're not asking them to change then the healthiest thing that I can do is to adjust my perspective.
Katie Trotter:So instead of me sitting there thinking every time they have the behavior they should act differently. I want to try to shift to. This is who they are and how do I want to engage with that, focusing again on the part that I do have control over. Who do I want to be in this situation? And it can be easier to start thinking in that way when we begin to really recognize that not everyone operates by our own standards, and that's okay. What is common sense to me or polite to me is not always common sense or polite to other people. The other thing for us to remind ourselves, as humbling as it can be, is that we also have habits that others are just tolerating right. None of us are perfect.
Adam Salgat:Reframing is such a great powerful tool because it really does cause us to look at things through a different lens, and so I love. I love that. In step four and as we move into step five here, there are situations where we're going to need to set boundaries, and that is step five. Can you talk about doing that setting boundaries without damaging relationships?
Katie Trotter:yeah and Adam, maybe what I can do here is give you like a couple of steps to consider for setting boundaries and then just give one quick example to see how it might play out. When we talk about boundaries, it's about being clear on what you can and cannot accept. So here are some tips to consider. First, start by identifying when a boundary is needed and then make sure that you're communicating it when you are in a space of being calm, right in balance, but still be really clear and direct, focusing on I statements instead of blame. And then here's the kicker Be consistent in upholding the boundary, and that will help the other person to really continue to build trust with you over time.
Katie Trotter:So let's just say that you are at work and you might have a coworker who is missing deadlines and then, at the very end of the time, reaches out to you to say, hey, could you help do this for me real quick. You might realize, hey, I need to set a boundary. You can sit down and communicate that using those I statements. I struggle to get my tasks done when I am trying to help you in a short amount of time, whatever that might look like. But then that consistency part is key. That means that even on the days where you do have time and it feels like I'm not really stressed, I could help, instead making sure that you are just continuing to uphold the same boundary.
Adam Salgat:That's a great reminder. Great reminder. This also reminds me a little bit about asking someone for change. But how is this different? I mean, I'm picking up on a little bit of how this is different. It sounds like you're asking yourself to make the change in this case, instead of maybe putting it on the other person or requesting it of the other person. How is citing boundaries in this case a little bit different than asking for change?
Katie Trotter:I think in this situation, adam I see it as in the moment even if the other person still continues to use the same behavior, they still try to reach out. You are saying I am going to focus on the things that I have ownership of, which means I'm not going to assist with that task that wasn't completed on time.
Adam Salgat:I understand. All right, katie. We've worked through identifying the problem, reframing expectations and setting boundaries. The final step you offer is about choosing peace and letting go. Let's discuss that further and what that can look like.
Katie Trotter:You know, Adam, I really like this section.
Katie Trotter:It was a challenging one for me to look through when I was examining the research, but it's really this concept of thinking through the amount of time and effort and energy that we spend thinking about or worrying about or being frustrated about things that are completely outside of our control the way that other people are behaving and so to me, this concept of choosing peace is about directing all of that time and energy and thought towards things that are within your control and kind of letting go of the other part. I do want to be clear that that's not about condoning the behavior or approving of the behavior, but instead it's about just kind of freeing yourself up from that unnecessary stress. Some practical steps, because that can sound really great, but it's challenging, right, and it involves us intentionally practicing things like mindfulness, choosing to catch our thoughts when they start to drift in that space and refocusing them on things that are in your control or things that you're grateful for. And there's an element, too, of just finding some productive ways to channel those negative feelings. They have to go somewhere.
Adam Salgat:I love the idea of being able to utilize some of these tools, but as many of us in the world are out there, you know we're going to struggle with this often and I would also say, if you're struggling with this at a very high level, doing your best to utilize these tools on your personal day-to-day is great, but don't be afraid to ask for professional help if you're struggling to a point where it's debilitating. I do want to ask you about one small step that you take personally that is helpful in your situations.
Katie Trotter:Oh, adam, that's a great question. I think it's different for me in different situations. For me, I first try to intentionally separate the person from their behavior. In my mind, right, people are so complex. Someone can have real strengths and gifts and skill sets and still act in a way that might frustrate me, and so when I can keep focusing on their value as a human being instead of that action that bugs me, it's easier for me to let go of the frustration. I will say there are times where, when that still doesn't work, I also need kind of that physical outlet so I might go for a walk or do a workout or something, just to also need kind of that physical outlet, so I might go for a walk or do a workout or something, just to get myself back into that balanced space.
Adam Salgat:I love that. I'm similar in the idea that if I'm feeling frustrated and I need to reground myself, I turn to music. I have certain songs, certain go-to songs or albums that bring me back to where I want to be to focus on love, togetherness, thankfulness. So for me, music is definitely an outlet that, in general, I have found makes a great difference in my life. Thinking about choosing peace is such a freeing mindset, katie, and I think it's one of the most impactful things that we can do for ourselves, because there's so much in this world that is just out of our control much in this world that is just out of our control. Well, there you have it Six actionable steps to help you move from tolerance to true acceptance. In a lot of situations, we have a couple choices to keep stewing over what bugs us or to free ourselves by focusing on what we can control. Katie, is there a key takeaway you'd like to leave our audience with today?
Katie Trotter:Yeah, adam, acceptance isn't about agreeing with someone's behavior. It's simply about deciding how you respond to it, and when you stop wasting energy on what you can't control, you make room for better things like joy and connection and the ability to focus on other things. Here's a level up opportunity for the listeners. Think about one behavior that's been frustrating you. Try working through these steps and see what opens up.
Adam Salgat:I love that, katie. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us. As we mentioned earlier, we do have our class, our Community Serves, which is an opportunity to look at your emotional catalysts and your emotional intelligence and opportunities to continue to grow in that space. Thank you for listening to Beyond the Class. If our discussion resonated with you, share it with a colleague or a friend and ask them to subscribe Until next time. I'm Adam Salga, inviting you to walk through your path with intention, because you are the message. Take care, my friends.